I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
