The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
