I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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