I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
