Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
