margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
