I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
