I'm sorry my penis didn't work
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
