Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
