Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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