I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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