She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
