dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
