you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
