Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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