You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
