The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Randomize
