Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I didn't notice because vodka
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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