he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
