you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
