his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
