I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
