his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
