Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
