I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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