Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
