we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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