As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
