I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
