You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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