Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
