We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
