now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
