I accidentally had phone sex last night
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
