There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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