Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
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Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
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I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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