theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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