Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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