even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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