Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
