she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
