Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
