I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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