see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
