no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
