no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
