Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
We're too hungover to prance.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize