She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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