Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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