I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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