Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
