You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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