What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
