Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
