Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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