U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
