I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
