I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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