She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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