it hurts more in the daytime
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
