Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
