made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize