3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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