the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
smell my finger.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
