you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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