the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
