I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
