Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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