I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
